Here is a letter I wrote to myself…. musings of that time that I danced with addiction….
Let me tell you about a time when I danced with addiction.
Today, I made a commitment to SOURCE my life from my Feminine,
Instead of just visiting it.
My commitment to SOURCING my life from my Feminine requires that I surrender…
And right now,
My body, my being, and everything within me desires…
And longs for…
You must understand,
I have become accustomed to working 12, 13, and sometimes 18 hour days since the day I turned 16 years old.
This has been a consistent pattern of behavior for almost 20 years…
This insatiable thirst to always be
Because my good was never good
Over the years, I have become addicted to the pain and the agony of all-nighters, followed by 2 to 3 hour sleep cycles, followed by early mornings, followed by
I have also become so accustomed to not feeling like I was enough that I have become addicted to the feeling of not being enough.
So addicted, in fact, that yesterday, I had an experience that helped me to realize how often I create stories in my own mind of how other people view me as not being enough.
Addicted to the shadow.
Addicted to the pain.
So addicted to the pain that I have become unable to receive praise.
Have you ever wondered why sometimes, when you compliment me here in Facebook Land, it takes so long for me to respond?
Maybe you haven’t,
But just in case you have, here is the answer.
It is because as soon as I receive praise or compliments,
I run because I have not yet learned how to receive without judging whether or not I indeed deserve…
So I run.
Where do I run to?
I run to work.
To work harder.
To work smarter.
To work stronger.
So that I can have something so “show” for what I have done. Something that says,
“Yes. You deserve…”
All of this running and working and working and running has caused me to grow weary
And with the fatigue, comes the guilt. Feeling guilty for
And so I spend what free time I have combing through Social Media looking for “inspiration” because if I can just find one more thing, or write one more blog, or do one more interview, or have one more speaking engagement, or do one more thing, then MAYBE,
Something will “Pop”
And I will finally achieve
And when that happens,
I will finally be
Yes. This has been my cycle
And yet, as of this moment,
It will be my story, no Longer,
Because in committing myself to be Sourced from what I desire to be
I must rest.
In doing that, you will see much less of me here for a while. Sometimes, maybe not at all.
I may not answer your calls.
If I am to write something for you, I will do so, in between my resting hours. You will have it from me. I promise. I must rest to give to you my best.
I may not answer your text messages.
I may not respond to your inboxes.
When I do engage, it will only be for a short while, in between my resting hours.
I must surrender myself to allowing Me to be okay with sleeping…
So when I am not actively engaged in what I have been paid to do,
I will sleep. This will be my life.
For how long?
I have absolutely no idea.
That is a part of the Mystery that lies in the darkness.
Our bodies do our greatest healing when we are asleep in the darkest of The Darkness.
Therefore to find my Healing,
I must go into…
And so, for now,
I bid you adieu.
I Love You
And I’ll see you
Current Notes: Since I wrote this letter to myself, I have learned to allow my body the rest that she needs. I have learned that I do not need outside validation from my titles or from my businesses or from my degrees. I have learned that sometimes, it’s okay for me to just be…
And because of this,
My life has TOTALLY transformed.
🧜🏾♀️I Love You, Sis😘
Want to go deeper? We can…